Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Paranoia : A Story Behind My Wall of Life

Assalamualaikum.

Paranoia. Have you ever heard of it?

"Paranoia is a term used by mental health specialists to describe suspiciousness (or mistrust) that is either highly exaggerated or not warranted at all."

"Being paranoid means being suspicious without reason, and believing that others are trying to harm you in some way. Everyone can be mistrustful at times, particularly if life hasn't treated him or her well. But people who are prone to paranoia always dread some forthcoming attack or betrayal."

I am not sure if I suffer from paranoia. But from what I've read, I did reflect it to my own personality, and how I face my daily life. I first search about this about a year ago, just after my friend said to me, 'Bahaya la kau ni. Paranoia sangat. Try positive sikit."

When it all began...

I started to become insecure of the people around me when I was in secondary school. Well, form 1. It was the beginning of a teenage life, where I started to live away from my parents, and also a dot where a teenage start to build up their personality.

Reminiscing times, the past wasn't bright at all. Not exaggerating, I was said as kinda pretty in my own way. As usual, it was common for a new students especially form 1 being teased by the seniors. Being called by name from the form 4 block, being blocked everyday on my way to the canteen, receiving letters and chocolate, I was famous among certain senior's circle, especially the rules breakers.

Yes, now all the memories had become a sweet memories. Moreover, I got close to them after years they left school. Just, thinking back, my first 3 years at school was filled with fears. Form 1, I was still young and fresh, yet I was just stepping out from my parents parenting control. For being pretty and famous among seniors, I was accused for flirting with them. Eventhough I swear I never talk to them, not even looking when they called me. Besides, I have about 5-6 boyfriend, they said. I repeat, they said.

I didn't know when the rumors spread. And, I wasn't sure myself why they relate me to all the 5 boys. What I knew was, my life was full with fears. My friends talked behind my back. I was called by form 4 and form 5 seniors to undergo 'counseling session' (in harsh way) by them almost once every weeks. It was really scary, for a me who aged 13 years old. I was always being blamed by my senior's girlfriend friends. I had to stand myself when suddenly other said rude things on my way back to the hostel. Can I describe it as a mental bully?

Besides, the one I thought my friend stabbed behind my back, for times. So then I finally decided to keep things inside. I've my own port at the back of the hostel block, where I cried as much as I wanted to. Worst, I was, erm, have the habit of hurting myself with small knife whenever I was stressed out by the people around me. This was my worst habit I ever had, which I am embarrassed of myself now.

I remembered at the edge of PMR, my sister told the other seniors, if I failed in my PMR, she knew who will take the responsibility for accusing me of things I didn't do, and cause me to feel so down. Early form 4, things return to how it supposed to be. The truth revealed, the rumors ends. But still, 3 years had passed.

But what I'm going to share now is, since that time, I was feeling insecure of the people around me. I could hardly trust one, and I always had the feeling of people talking bad things about me whenever I saw people talking in groups of partner. When I saw people laughing, I would always think that they are laughing at me. When I saw a man looking at me, I feel like he is going to harm me. And, I could hardly trust anyone ever, and making me a person who love to keep things inside until it explode itself.

Talking about love. My first love was Med. We broke up because he didn't appreciate me. Though he changes girlfriend roughly once every three months, still, we often get connected again, he or me usually tried to find each other again. He often said that he regret of what he had done to me, and me? Waited for him for almost 3 years. But finally he usually turn to other new girl he met. After the broke up, I was seriously heartbroken for 8 months until my bestfriend, Mie said something to me which suddenly woke me up. He was the one who once asked to become more than friends before I was with Med.

Feeling like being adored, I fall for him. It was just a crush for sure, cz after we broke up, I could easily forget him just in a month. But, I couldn't forget what had happened. I realized he lied to me after I found his photo with another girl in his email, with a girl who clearly knew that he had a girlfriend. The heartache of being loyal to two person but not getting it in return, made me turn to feel insecure again. I'd changed again to someone who often in anger, incorrectly.

"An unmistakable sign of paranoia is continual mistrust. People with paranoid personality disorder are constantly on their guard because they see the world as a threatening place. They tend to confirm their expectations by latching on to any speck of evidence that supports their suspicions and ignore or misinterpret any evidence to the contrary. They are ever watchful and may look around for signs of a threat."

Thinking of it, I was just filling the empty spaces in my heart before. But still, I did put my all effort, trust and loyalty towards the relationship. Worst, the feeling of being betrayed before, affecting my current relationship. I often get jealous in a situation which is not relevant at all, and surely making my partner feel a bit uncomfortable. Most of the most, I often see other girl as a threat. Big thanks to him for being able to stand with me who sometimes turn to be so childish.

Even in my own family, sometimes I feel like my other siblings get more attention than I do. For certain reason, although my sister did told me again and again that I am treated the same way as others. Sometimes, me myself don't get it.

That was few of the examples.  
The feeling of insecure, mistrust and fear is not something I can easily handle. I did tried my best to think as positive as I can, even if people don't believe me. 


forgive me for being angry for things I am not supposed to get angry.

19 comments:

Rina Rossoneri said...

there's 1 quote from paulo coelho...
Life has many ways of testing a person’s will,either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once.

honestly,i envy this lifestory, and u going to envy my life story too...

AJ Hanif said...

Obviously, it hurt you more than i can felt, and i will never felt the same cause i will never being able to be in your shoes.

but.

life is all about appreciate and be appreciated.
Yup, you are in your best to appreciate others, but you get nothing in return.
are you?
actually, you get your best.

DOnt get me wrong.

The Almighty always 'say'; the good girl for a good boy, and vice versa.

Thus, being best within your own; will ultimately led you to the best destiny.
It may not be the most desirable man in town, but it will be the swetest thing in your life; that sound worth waiting for right?

oh.
ok.
Life is not all about guys; but they do influence the mood.
So, the best we can be is being appreciate to ourself, love for being 'Abdullah' and you know what, the 'Abdullah' will turn to you; by His guide.

It may sound 'try and error' for others, but for me, it is 'try being you in best YOU, and others will be HIS call'.

"Kejarlah kamu akan akhirat, maka dunia akan berlari mendekati kamu"

ah.
that is cliche.
but, hey, life is all about the same destiny; happy ever after-there!

and i know; this is not a paranoia related comment; and sorry for being too 'me' in this comment.

ops.
maybe.

the dr said...

cuba try cari kat google simple2 test untuk tentukan tahap paranoid. rasanya banyak kot. tes2 personaliti camtu.

sebagai orang yang terlibat dalam field medicine ni kekadang terfikir yang mat2 saleh tu bukan main hebat lagi classify patterns of behavior into several diagnosis, tapi yang buat saya tertanya2 diorang tak penah pun classify orang yang tidak percaya ALLAH (one and only god) itu sebagai sakit jiwa. padahal kira ada yang rosak jugak dalam circuit diorang sebenarnya. kira cam benda2 camni toksah nak fikir terlalu dalam sangat je.

saja je mat saleh tu nak buat pengkelasan untuk kelainan jiwa. padahal kalau gila maknanya kita dah tak wajib sembahyang dah la kan.islam itu pengubat bermacam jenis permasalahan jiwa.

nice post.sori kalau comment panjang2.

cemomoi said...

ni serupa macam penyakit was-was le ni... bebanyak baca surah an-nas le gamaknya

Mario said...

errr...cool je eh lps ni..
after read this...just wondering is it suitable for form 1 girl to stay at hostel?eh tiba2 tulis BI..ekeke

Mario said...

errr...cool je eh lps ni..
after read this...just wondering is it suitable for form 1 girl to stay at hostel?eh tiba2 tulis BI..ekeke

dear yayah said...

macy! I found u! hehe.. teringat zmn smap dl.. sorry gak kalu wat macy insecure or unable to trust me again.. harap2 xde..

asip محمد said...

pergh gua jeles.. dulu gua waktu sekolah.. orang buat dunno je.. senior panggil pun mintak suruh beli nasik lemak.. kah3.. paling kurang suruh kaver depa merokok.. kalau bab cintan2 ni.. waktu sekolah mmg perempuan gua kurang siket.. entah kenapa timbul gua anti perempuan time tu.. mungkin sebab muka raksaksa gua? mungkin.. mungkin..

Si gadis bunga said...

macy, do you still remember who bullied you back then? name it. a full name will do, let me do a search at Jabatan Pendaftaran Negara, we file a suit. I'll be your lawyer, and I'm doing this pro bono (FOC).
Deal???

hehe. Joking dear, as cliche as it sounds, but trust me, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger dear.

and I have this kind of problem too. I mean paranoia. But I believe you can solve this, as much as I'm trying all this while too.

Love you maCy :)

Abang Jonni said...

susah juga berwajah menarik ni eh? huhuhuhu... dugaan tu...

khairul_bariyyah said...

sometimes i do have d same feelings.. for what i'd been thru years ago.. huuu~

tp,sy ttp syg macy~ eh? :D

theRandomcraps said...

=)

Liyana Zahim said...

Those things happened taught u to b a person.. I mean a person as who u r at tis phase.. Evryone gets their part of livin.. Naturally ppl will feel da same way after bein tested wif such those tings.. Paranoid yes u r.. But yours is stil under control.. Maybe stage 1 or 2..

Dun let it weaken urself my dear.. Ppl inherently got flaws in nature.. We hve diferent ideas in perceivin smtg.. From difference, we'l create conflicts.. TO deal wif those conflicts u must know and realize bout this nature of human bein.. How u cope and deal wif urself to get strong.. T b tougher..

I used to b betrayed once upon a time.. It blatantly changed myself to some1 else.. I barely stand, I didn trust anyone.. I isolated from others.. I cudnt figure out some value of tis life.. N till now i stil posess the same way of thinkin n feelin.. N y I did that is jz bcoz i wanna stay in comfort zone.. Not bein hurt, not bein betrayed etc.. n It seems like im lockin myself in a dark place where i cudnt see anyone arround me.. Yet im in a long journey seekin for courage..

Courage aint easy to be found even it exists within urself.. N ppl who hve courage will always be betrayed bcoz they seek in himself da courage n strength of other persons that will generate contradiction..

Now, im tryin my lvel best to escape from tat 'place'.. It's hard but u must try coz i dun wanna b a prisoner of my own feelin..

Mutiara Bernilai said...

T___T

macy..
kite faham perasaan tu..
walaupun mutiara bknnye tergolong d kalangan yang santek2,,tp slalu juga kna mcam tu...almost once a week.. with hockey sticks, tarik2 rambut, jerit2..and semua tu hanya sebab 'lelaki'..aigo! sungguh tdak matang senior2 sy..nama je skolah SBP, tp hal2 mcm tu byak gak tjadi,,

hurting urself, sy penah juga. kdg2 jd enak juga kan?

sy still paranoid n passive sampai sy masuk uni first year..ms tu mmg hardly cuba matangkan diri n ubah laraspandang thadap ape yg dah terjadi,,n alhamdulillah dah smakin pulih kecacatan emosi sy ni..

Mutiara Bernilai said...

jum,,come on dear..

kamu boleh bebaskan diri dr penjara emosi dan kecacatan memori silam tu..

kite yakin dgn kamu dear!

meh sni, mutiara bg hug..
jgn risau, u're safe here..u'll gonna b ok.. trust me..

aLya maNip said...

i didn't realize u've been through lots dear..so sorry.. a great guy will wait 4 u my dear..tamo sedeh2 n try 2 be psitive ye syg..

*hug macy banyak*

Khairunnisa' said...

Insecure, bullied, self-doubting, they are all symptoms. But I'm glad you've managed becoming the person you wanted to be. You've managed to finally love yourself. You know, they experiences you've been getting these past few years will only help you become stronger and more confident in life. Have faith, my dear. Don't hurt yourself, it's not worth it.

Honestly, I've gone through this before. I feel insecure and low self-esteem because of boys and my OWN Mom who always put me in the lowest state of mind. I tried to love myself and still try to...

Nisa'

sYaMi-Satu Penjuru said...

correction, i dont simply 'told' them, i 'shouted'.

btw, pengalaman mematangkan. matang, ukuran kasarnya adalah usia :)
apa yang berlaku bukan hanya perlu matangnya kita, tapi juga mereka.dan bukan saja mereka, tapi juga kita.

ly dek.

sYaMi-Satu Penjuru said...

correction, i dont simply 'told' them, i 'shouted'.

btw, pengalaman mematangkan. matang, ukuran kasarnya adalah usia :)
apa yang berlaku bukan hanya perlu matangnya kita, tapi juga mereka.dan bukan saja mereka, tapi juga kita.

ly dek.