Paranoia : A Story Behind My Wall of Life

Assalamualaikum.

Paranoia. Have you ever heard of it?

"Paranoia is a term used by mental health specialists to describe suspiciousness (or mistrust) that is either highly exaggerated or not warranted at all."

"Being paranoid means being suspicious without reason, and believing that others are trying to harm you in some way. Everyone can be mistrustful at times, particularly if life hasn't treated him or her well. But people who are prone to paranoia always dread some forthcoming attack or betrayal."

I am not sure if I suffer from paranoia. But from what I've read, I did reflect it to my own personality, and how I face my daily life. I first search about this about a year ago, just after my friend said to me, 'Bahaya la kau ni. Paranoia sangat. Try positive sikit."

When it all began...

I started to become insecure of the people around me when I was in secondary school. Well, form 1. It was the beginning of a teenage life, where I started to live away from my parents, and also a dot where a teenage start to build up their personality.

Reminiscing times, the past wasn't bright at all. Not exaggerating, I was said as kinda pretty in my own way. As usual, it was common for a new students especially form 1 being teased by the seniors. Being called by name from the form 4 block, being blocked everyday on my way to the canteen, receiving letters and chocolate, I was famous among certain senior's circle, especially the rules breakers.

Yes, now all the memories had become a sweet memories. Moreover, I got close to them after years they left school. Just, thinking back, my first 3 years at school was filled with fears. Form 1, I was still young and fresh, yet I was just stepping out from my parents parenting control. For being pretty and famous among seniors, I was accused for flirting with them. Eventhough I swear I never talk to them, not even looking when they called me. Besides, I have about 5-6 boyfriend, they said. I repeat, they said.

I didn't know when the rumors spread. And, I wasn't sure myself why they relate me to all the 5 boys. What I knew was, my life was full with fears. My friends talked behind my back. I was called by form 4 and form 5 seniors to undergo 'counseling session' (in harsh way) by them almost once every weeks. It was really scary, for a me who aged 13 years old. I was always being blamed by my senior's girlfriend friends. I had to stand myself when suddenly other said rude things on my way back to the hostel. Can I describe it as a mental bully?

Besides, the one I thought my friend stabbed behind my back, for times. So then I finally decided to keep things inside. I've my own port at the back of the hostel block, where I cried as much as I wanted to. Worst, I was, erm, have the habit of hurting myself with small knife whenever I was stressed out by the people around me. This was my worst habit I ever had, which I am embarrassed of myself now.

I remembered at the edge of PMR, my sister told the other seniors, if I failed in my PMR, she knew who will take the responsibility for accusing me of things I didn't do, and cause me to feel so down. Early form 4, things return to how it supposed to be. The truth revealed, the rumors ends. But still, 3 years had passed.

But what I'm going to share now is, since that time, I was feeling insecure of the people around me. I could hardly trust one, and I always had the feeling of people talking bad things about me whenever I saw people talking in groups of partner. When I saw people laughing, I would always think that they are laughing at me. When I saw a man looking at me, I feel like he is going to harm me. And, I could hardly trust anyone ever, and making me a person who love to keep things inside until it explode itself.

Talking about love. My first love was Med. We broke up because he didn't appreciate me. Though he changes girlfriend roughly once every three months, still, we often get connected again, he or me usually tried to find each other again. He often said that he regret of what he had done to me, and me? Waited for him for almost 3 years. But finally he usually turn to other new girl he met. After the broke up, I was seriously heartbroken for 8 months until my bestfriend, Mie said something to me which suddenly woke me up. He was the one who once asked to become more than friends before I was with Med.

Feeling like being adored, I fall for him. It was just a crush for sure, cz after we broke up, I could easily forget him just in a month. But, I couldn't forget what had happened. I realized he lied to me after I found his photo with another girl in his email, with a girl who clearly knew that he had a girlfriend. The heartache of being loyal to two person but not getting it in return, made me turn to feel insecure again. I'd changed again to someone who often in anger, incorrectly.

"An unmistakable sign of paranoia is continual mistrust. People with paranoid personality disorder are constantly on their guard because they see the world as a threatening place. They tend to confirm their expectations by latching on to any speck of evidence that supports their suspicions and ignore or misinterpret any evidence to the contrary. They are ever watchful and may look around for signs of a threat."

Thinking of it, I was just filling the empty spaces in my heart before. But still, I did put my all effort, trust and loyalty towards the relationship. Worst, the feeling of being betrayed before, affecting my current relationship. I often get jealous in a situation which is not relevant at all, and surely making my partner feel a bit uncomfortable. Most of the most, I often see other girl as a threat. Big thanks to him for being able to stand with me who sometimes turn to be so childish.

Even in my own family, sometimes I feel like my other siblings get more attention than I do. For certain reason, although my sister did told me again and again that I am treated the same way as others. Sometimes, me myself don't get it.

That was few of the examples.  

The feeling of insecure, mistrust and fear is not something I can easily handle. I did tried my best to think as positive as I can, even if people don't believe me. 

forgive me for being angry for things I am not supposed to get angry.