Tuesday, January 31, 2012

dongeng maCy : Puteri Katak


Hujan renyai-renyai. Kedengaran katak-katak puru mengaum memanggil hujan. Kelihatan sepasang kekasih sedang bersandiwara antara satu sama lain. Sang jejaka memandang wajah si gadis penuh rasa cinta. 

"Sayang sayang sayang?", tanya sang jejaka. 

"Sayang. sayang sayang sayang.", jawab si gadis sambil melentokkan kepalanya di bahu sang jejaka.  

Peluang baik ni. Getus sang jejaka dalam hati. Tanpa melengahkan masa, sang jejaka terus mencium si gadis kerana ketidaksabarannya. 

Ka-cing! Berubahlah si gadis menjadi katak semula.

will be spending cuti maulidur rasul di rumah lecturer :)

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Old Time Short Story : God Is Fair To Us

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” 
::. Marilyn Monroe

“Damn it!”, shout Lisa 

“What’s the matter?”, her roommate, Fay, sat beside her.  

“I broke up with him.”, said Lisa.  

“That must be hard. It’s okay. You will meet a better person”, she tried to comfort her.  

“But I never trust a guy as much as I trusted him. It’s such a deep pain!”, she cried. Fay does not know how to handle the situation. She once fell in love but her love story was such a misery. Fay is a pretty young lady. Anyone may fall in love with her even only in their first sight.  

She slowly opened the door and stepped out her pink-painted apartment, walked along the sidewalk, then put herself on a bench. Her past memories began to play inside her mind.  
It was a dark night. The rain was heavy and the road was empty. She forced herself to wait for the rain to stop under the bus stop. Suddenly, she saw a body ran towards the bus stop. After a while, the guy tried to talk to her.              

“Excuse me, what are you doing here alone in the middle of the night?”, asked him. He just watched Fay’s act. Maybe she did not hear me, thought him.              

Reluctantly, she answered, “I am just back from a night class”.              

“This place is not safe for you. By the way, my name is Hafiz. I worked there”, pointing his finger to a building next to a school.              

“I’m Fay”, She introduced herself. Their conversation continued until the rain stopped. Hafiz was nice. As a bonus, he was good-looking too. Since the incident, they meet everyday, and as expected, their friendship turned out to be a love story.              

However, things had changed after she heard that Hafiz’s parents had planned his marriage with his cousin. It was such a nightmare. All she could do was only by making her life as busy as possible so then she can forget everything. For her, God wasn’t fair for not letting her to live happily with her loved one.              
“Fay..”, she heard a voice. All the memories disappeared from her mind. She turned her head. She couldn’t believe her eyes. She saw him! Yes, it was her first and only love, Hafiz!             

“I’m back. I told my parents that I’m not going to marry my cousin. As the exchange, I’ve been sent to Australia to manage our business there. Can we start all over again? My heart is still yours”, said Hafiz without giving Fay a chance to speak.              

With a smile, she hugged him.              

“Hafiz, I’ve been waiting for you for the whole past years. I waited for no one else!”, she started to cry.              

“God is fair is it? He is always fair to us!”, she added in sobbed.

A long time short story when I was 18. Duhh. I'm now 22. Time past real fast!
Oh, please forgive all the grammar mistake :)
alang, imy~

Thursday, January 26, 2012



Sekali merasa sayang yang gagah, sampai mati rasa tak pernah nak rebah..

"Bunga, izinkan Azfar berjumpa dengan Bunga sekali?". 

Mesej pendek Azfar cukup membuat hati Bunga berdegup kencang. Masakan tidak, kekasih yang pernah dinanti bertahun lamanya kembali mengusik kenangan lama meski genap setahun mereka tidak bertegur sapa.

Ah. Mengapa harus digoncang rasa lama sedang dia sudah ada pengganti? Juga Bunga sudah punya insan yang dicintai segenap rasa. Jika dahulu tidak ada lelaki yang mampu mengganti tempatnya, hari ini untuk pertama kali sudah ada yang berjaya mendudukinya penuh selesa. Dan kencangnya degupan tadi tidak seperti biasa, cuma biasa-biasa.

"Bunga, tolong, izinkan Azfar berjumpa dengan Bunga sekali sahaja. Izin Azfar lihat sekali lagi bagaimana reaksi Bunga berhadapan dengan Azfar.."

Kenapa? Ingin melihat sejauh mana rasa lama masih ada? Ingin melihat bagaimana kasih Bunga pada dia bagai esok akan tiada? Rindu melihat Bunga yang sering saja kaku sekelip mata setiap kali berhadapan dengannya?

"Bunga, sekali cuma...".

Bunga mengeluh panjang. Mesej pesanan ringkas yang diterima bertalu-lalu membuatnya berfikir sejenak. Lantas dicapai telefon bimbit merakam temu janji ringkas dengan bekas kekasihnya buat kali pertama setelah bertahun lamanya, juga buat kali terakhir untuk selamanya. Misinya cuma satu, melihat sendiri sejauh mana hatinya sudah benar-benar membuang kisah silam.

Diam sejenak.

"Bunga, setiap hari pasti ada sekali Bunga akan terlintas dalam fikiran Azfar.", kata Azfar memecah sunyi. Bunga hanya diam membisu.

"Bunga, tak rasa kita ada jodoh bersama?", tanya Azfar kepada gadis berkerudung merah petang itu.

"Kenapa tinggalkan Bunga selama ni? Walau tahu Bunga tunggu Azfar bertahun lamanya? Kenapa baru semalam cari Bunga semula?", terkedu Azfar dengan pertanyaan Bunga bagi menjawab pertanyaannya. 

"Tak ada lagi gadis lain yang faham Azfar seperti Bunga. Tak ada gadis lain yang sanggup tunggu Azfar saat Azfar bertukar perempuan. Tak ada gadis lain lagi yang tak membenci Azfar walau macam-macam yang pernah Azfar lakukan, walau macam-macam kata-kata yang Azfar lemparkan. Tak ada gadis lain lagi...", Bunga menyentuh bibir dengan jari telunjuknya yang kecil sebagai tanda meminta dia berhenti.

"Cukuplah hari ini. Moga jodoh pula mempertemukan kita lagi." Bunga tersenyum lalu berlalu pergi.

Dulu setia aku melangit tinggi, namun kini setia aku menandingi tingginya langit, buat dia yang mana sudi..

Nukilan buat Med, 2010-2011.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Paranoia : A Story Behind My Wall of Life


Paranoia. Have you ever heard of it?

"Paranoia is a term used by mental health specialists to describe suspiciousness (or mistrust) that is either highly exaggerated or not warranted at all."

"Being paranoid means being suspicious without reason, and believing that others are trying to harm you in some way. Everyone can be mistrustful at times, particularly if life hasn't treated him or her well. But people who are prone to paranoia always dread some forthcoming attack or betrayal."

I am not sure if I suffer from paranoia. But from what I've read, I did reflect it to my own personality, and how I face my daily life. I first search about this about a year ago, just after my friend said to me, 'Bahaya la kau ni. Paranoia sangat. Try positive sikit."

When it all began...

I started to become insecure of the people around me when I was in secondary school. Well, form 1. It was the beginning of a teenage life, where I started to live away from my parents, and also a dot where a teenage start to build up their personality.

Reminiscing times, the past wasn't bright at all. Not exaggerating, I was said as kinda pretty in my own way. As usual, it was common for a new students especially form 1 being teased by the seniors. Being called by name from the form 4 block, being blocked everyday on my way to the canteen, receiving letters and chocolate, I was famous among certain senior's circle, especially the rules breakers.

Yes, now all the memories had become a sweet memories. Moreover, I got close to them after years they left school. Just, thinking back, my first 3 years at school was filled with fears. Form 1, I was still young and fresh, yet I was just stepping out from my parents parenting control. For being pretty and famous among seniors, I was accused for flirting with them. Eventhough I swear I never talk to them, not even looking when they called me. Besides, I have about 5-6 boyfriend, they said. I repeat, they said.

I didn't know when the rumors spread. And, I wasn't sure myself why they relate me to all the 5 boys. What I knew was, my life was full with fears. My friends talked behind my back. I was called by form 4 and form 5 seniors to undergo 'counseling session' (in harsh way) by them almost once every weeks. It was really scary, for a me who aged 13 years old. I was always being blamed by my senior's girlfriend friends. I had to stand myself when suddenly other said rude things on my way back to the hostel. Can I describe it as a mental bully?

Besides, the one I thought my friend stabbed behind my back, for times. So then I finally decided to keep things inside. I've my own port at the back of the hostel block, where I cried as much as I wanted to. Worst, I was, erm, have the habit of hurting myself with small knife whenever I was stressed out by the people around me. This was my worst habit I ever had, which I am embarrassed of myself now.

I remembered at the edge of PMR, my sister told the other seniors, if I failed in my PMR, she knew who will take the responsibility for accusing me of things I didn't do, and cause me to feel so down. Early form 4, things return to how it supposed to be. The truth revealed, the rumors ends. But still, 3 years had passed.

But what I'm going to share now is, since that time, I was feeling insecure of the people around me. I could hardly trust one, and I always had the feeling of people talking bad things about me whenever I saw people talking in groups of partner. When I saw people laughing, I would always think that they are laughing at me. When I saw a man looking at me, I feel like he is going to harm me. And, I could hardly trust anyone ever, and making me a person who love to keep things inside until it explode itself.

Talking about love. My first love was Med. We broke up because he didn't appreciate me. Though he changes girlfriend roughly once every three months, still, we often get connected again, he or me usually tried to find each other again. He often said that he regret of what he had done to me, and me? Waited for him for almost 3 years. But finally he usually turn to other new girl he met. After the broke up, I was seriously heartbroken for 8 months until my bestfriend, Mie said something to me which suddenly woke me up. He was the one who once asked to become more than friends before I was with Med.

Feeling like being adored, I fall for him. It was just a crush for sure, cz after we broke up, I could easily forget him just in a month. But, I couldn't forget what had happened. I realized he lied to me after I found his photo with another girl in his email, with a girl who clearly knew that he had a girlfriend. The heartache of being loyal to two person but not getting it in return, made me turn to feel insecure again. I'd changed again to someone who often in anger, incorrectly.

"An unmistakable sign of paranoia is continual mistrust. People with paranoid personality disorder are constantly on their guard because they see the world as a threatening place. They tend to confirm their expectations by latching on to any speck of evidence that supports their suspicions and ignore or misinterpret any evidence to the contrary. They are ever watchful and may look around for signs of a threat."

Thinking of it, I was just filling the empty spaces in my heart before. But still, I did put my all effort, trust and loyalty towards the relationship. Worst, the feeling of being betrayed before, affecting my current relationship. I often get jealous in a situation which is not relevant at all, and surely making my partner feel a bit uncomfortable. Most of the most, I often see other girl as a threat. Big thanks to him for being able to stand with me who sometimes turn to be so childish.

Even in my own family, sometimes I feel like my other siblings get more attention than I do. For certain reason, although my sister did told me again and again that I am treated the same way as others. Sometimes, me myself don't get it.

That was few of the examples.  
The feeling of insecure, mistrust and fear is not something I can easily handle. I did tried my best to think as positive as I can, even if people don't believe me. 

forgive me for being angry for things I am not supposed to get angry.